Have you ever had an escort on the Sunset Strip in Hollywood, California? Sounds intriguing, right? To many it is. And, in Hollywood, especially "WeHo" (West Hollywood) anything, no doubt IS possible. Male? Female? Transsexual? Perhaps, but that's NOT the kind of escort I am referring to. The kind where one might convince another by suggesting, "I need Fifty Dollar to make you Holler..I get PAID to do the Wild Thing.."
I'm talking about an escort of another kind. This particular escort came in the package of a very large African-American Male that is approximately 6 foot 5 inches tall. I think he was closer to 6 foot 7 but I am under-estimating due to the fact that estimating height in an inebriated state tends to "enhance" things a tad. Much like, "objects in mirror appear to be closer than they really are. Dude was large, like 325 LBs, and clearly " in charge."
A friend and I decided to head to the ballgame. The Dodgers were playing Saturday (June 28, 2014) at 4:15 pm. We found ridiculously cheap tickets online and proceeded to head out. We were in no hurry and were really in a mode of just taking everything in stride. We ended up meeting all sorts of great fans and the Dodgers won the game on a brilliant effort by Greinke and a 6-run second inning by the offense. From there, we decided that we might check out The Comedy Store. Why Not? We head there on occasion and often times just spend time on the patio enjoying a cold beverage and shooting the shit. On this occasion we were fortunate enough to spend some time with two amazingly beautiful and super sweet young ladies before they hit up a booty-shakin hoedown going on at the HOB across the street.
Little did we know that Chris Rock decided to pop in at The Comedy Store (again). We had been at The Comedy Store when he was there a couple of months ago. We didn't have that ticket and the place was packed. We like to catch Don Barris closing "the store" down but the show was still a ways from being closed as it was about 9:30 pm or maybe ten o'clock.
So, we decided to head out from there, up the strip, to the Laugh Factory. The marquis read: Dane Cook, Don Irrera, Tommy Davidson. No shit? We wait in line and buy a ticket for entry. We had to hang in the VIP as there really were not too many seats. As people left, we could meander in. I found a back bench spot in the upper deck while Dane Cook performed. Eventually, Mr. Cook was asking the audience to ask him anything. Someone had mentioned a "rusty trombone" and he worked that right into a full description complete with "trom-boner-like" sound effects and demonstration. The sound effects consisted more of what we know to be circus, or clown, music and the demo was acted out completely with the appropriate hand gestures. Hilarious.
The next comedian was Mr. Dom Irrera.
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| Dom Irrera: June 28, 2014 PHOTO: CBigupps |
I believe Mr. Cook had stayed on for a little while longer than what was "planned" because Mr. Irrera's first comments related to that, "gee, I guess when you're Dane Cook you get to stay on as long as you want.." From there, it seemed as though the set was a bit awkward, to say the least. There were at least two occasions when Mr. Irrera looked and commented about getting off the stage. He asked, "Jamie.. do I really have to stay on? I mean, give me a light (to go off) or something.."
It seemed as though there were moments of picking up a little steam but it felt like things were just a bit off and perhaps the overall vibe and connection was not there. It happens. Dom is a pro. An absolute pro. And he has been in the comedy business for at least 50 years.
I had moved up and found a spot on the rail (still in the upper tank) where I could see the comedian much better. Dom made a joke where he mentioned something about a person's life being so bad that all they do is sit around and "eat frozen dinners while watching the Jetsons.."
For whatever reason, I decided to speak up. I said, "well, eating TV dinners and watching the Jetsons doesn't sound too terrible.." He said, "what? Who said that?" He gets directed to where I am sitting and all eyes are now on me. I repeat myself. He proceeds to say, " well, are we talking about other people's problems or is this really about some deep-seeded issues of your own now?" I volunteer, "Oh, it could be about other people but I have no doubt this is about my issues for sure." It was at this moment that I get a tap on the shoulder. I look up and a gentleman is asking me to leave. I look at him with a very confused look on my face as Dom Irrera is still talking to me. "Oh...are they kicking him out? Dom asks. "Oh, man, don't kick him out I like that guy. He spent money to be in here and I don't want to see anyone get kicked out."
I'm with you Mr. Irrera. Well, I WOULD BE, but I'm being "escorted" out RIGHT NOW!
My large male escort steps in, very aggressively, shaking his extremely large head and waving an appendage in my face.
"You've got to go. You've got to go right now."
I get up. I still have no clue as to what the hell is going on and why. Dude now is in my grill and I am remaining somewhat calm because I actually think this is a joke.
"You cannot talk to the comedians," says the escort.
Earlier, Dane Cook was talking to many people in the audience and working that into his act, as many comedians do.
"Go out right there...Now open that door right there and go out!"
"What the fuck is happening and where the fuck am I going," I think to myself.
I end up at the back end of the building at a side door that leads out to a rickety ol, rusty trombone-like, white wrought-iron gate. I then do what any self-respecting victim of having a large male escort "show you his back door" at a comedy club.
I SLAM the shit out of the ass-gate.
I look up to the corner on Sunset. A couple spots me and yells out, "Did you get kicked out?" I bee- line right for them.
"Yeah, I mean, I was engaging the comedian and he was cool and actually asking ME questions so I replied."
"Oh.. yeah," the young lady remarks, "they are kinda strict in that club..it happens, but you can go back in."
"Sweet! Thank you!" I say with a smile, and proceed to approach the club to re-enter.
At this point I have no idea where my buddy is and my credit card is also still with the club.
Will my large male escort allow me to re-enter? Should I try the back door? I definitely did NOT want to get "the SHAFT"..
I head in and the door man asks if I have been in already, and I just nod and head right for the lower club entrance. As I am walking in, and now very much closer to my pal, Dom Irrera, I see my buddy walking towards me followed by "the escort."
"Holy shit (I say to myself), HE is getting ESCORTED TOO?! WOW!" I quickly turn away and try to just duck into a seat. Two seconds later, "the escort" grabs my shoulder and quickly gets me into the front area. Dude is LIVID. He is yelling at me, shaking his finger, waiving his hands and his head and sweating PROFUSELY!
Dude, do you need a break or what? Is something I DID NOT say, but was thinking. Heart medication? Doctor? A fucking EVAC to the nearest ER? I'm JUST Sayin, Dude is large and he was struggling from walking down the stairs ONE TIME..
I decided to not stay in what was a bit of a yelling match. I may have dropped 10 or 15 F-Bombs to this point. I quickly start inquiring about how we wouldn't be getting anywhere until he calmed down and asked him why HE was so upset. I mean, WHAT DID WE DO?! FINALLY, I got "the escort" to say, "ok..let's hear your side of the story." In his ranting and raving and finger and neck waiving (and sweating) he did mention that "the rule" is that you cannot speak to the comedian.
I respond by saying that well, if that rule was said to us, which I am not saying that it was or wasn't, that I clearly forgot. I want you to know that I intentionally did not mean to disregard "the rule" and meant no disrespect at all."
In fact, we were treated extremely well there. The waitresses were gorgeous AND gracious. The manager, presumably, was an absolute pro and a darling to us. She was the one who rallied us all together and brought us up to the VIP. When she entered the room "the escort" said, "this guy just got done saying that YOU never told them the rule." "WHAT?!"
"Dude! I just got done saying that is certainly NOT the case!" This dude was a real piece of work. I get upset because I felt that I have now betrayed this sweetheart of a lady. We continue to get through the discussion and established terms to re-enter (club seating)and I am in agreement. My buddy wanted his money back for getting treated this way. They said there would be no refunds and so he decided to shake their hands and leave. What was I to do? Do I also shake the escort? Do I bail on my buddy?
"Oh yeah, well.. F-YOU! At that moment, the soothing sounds of of Cee Lo Green kick off in my head, " uh "Fuck you, and uh fuck her too!"
Ya know? I rant for a bit with my escort who kicks me out and I didn't even get to penetrate at the lower level...?
Ya know? I rant for a bit with my escort who kicks me out and I didn't even get to penetrate at the lower level...?
My escort simply replied,"Please come again."
OH, the envy of ALL drug induced, drunken sunset warriors that brave being stripped by escorts of another kind. Should I tell them? Should I tell them what MY escort said to me? Those three little words that every man wants to hear after an evening of close companionship and intimacy..
Well, the Laugh Factory certainly got their trick, we got hosed, and Sunset treated us once again at the door.